i already hear my dad disowning me
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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