You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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