I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
