watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
