I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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