I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
