Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
