very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
