I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
