God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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