u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
