Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
