Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
