your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
