so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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