Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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