I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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