overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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