VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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