so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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