My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
