I'd wear matching sweaters with you
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
