fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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