remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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