Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
