clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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