i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
