What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Even my vagina gasped.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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