totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I need moral support for this bender
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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