and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
