my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
