I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
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