Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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