perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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