Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
