You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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