She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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