I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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