I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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