His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
