I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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