their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
