her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
