he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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