i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
