YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
