Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
where am i from again
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
