I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
