I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
