And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
